Growing up in Trabuco Canyon, in Orange County, Calif., going to church on Sunday and having chapel twice a week at my elementary and middle school definitely was a challenge. I always knew there was something different about me from my friends. A difference that was hard to comprehend because I grew up being taught that men were essentially programmed to marry women and that is how the world works. I was always good at hiding my emotions and pushing my feelings deep inside, so I had no problem hiding that I was gay until high school. High school was four years of confusion, depression, anxiety and all other emotions you feel when you’re hiding who you are every day.
On top of everything else I was a competitive swimmer, a sport known for being “more gay” because my uniform was a tiny piece of fabric just large enough to cover “my stuff” and I went to a private, Catholic high school. Swimming was my outlet, my distraction and my excuse. I dated a few girls, but never anything too serious. I would consistently use training as an excuse to not date.
At the same time swim practice meant lying to my coach and teammates - the people I called my family. I was afraid of telling my teammates that I was gay because I feared they would look at me differently or my guy friends would distance themselves.
